Let’s talk about something that doesn’t get talked about enough: painful sex.
If you’ve ever winced in discomfort while trying to insert a tampon, dreaded your smear test, or found yourself holding your breath during sex because it hurts—you are far from alone. Most women will experience some kind of vaginal discomfort in their lives, whether from hormonal changes, dryness, or simply being a little tense. But when penetration (whether from sex, tampons, or medical exams) becomes unbearable, there may be something deeper going on: vaginismus.
And yet, hardly anyone talks about it.
Painful sex is still a bit of a taboo, isn’t it? We’re taught that it’s normal for sex to be a little uncomfortable at first or that we should just “relax” and push through. But what if your body simply won’t? What if, no matter how much you want to, your muscles tighten on their own, and sex feels impossible? That’s vaginismus.
What Is Vaginismus?
Vaginismus is when the muscles around the vagina tighten involuntarily, making penetration difficult or even impossible. It’s not about willpower, and it’s certainly not something you’re doing on purpose. Your body is simply reacting the way it’s learned to—like a reflex. Think of it like blinking when something flies towards your face. You don’t choose to blink; it just happens.
For some women, vaginismus has been there since their very first attempt at tampon use, intercourse, or a medical exam (known as Primary Vaginismus). For others, it develops later in life, sometimes after childbirth, menopause, surgery, or a painful experience (aka: Secondary Vaginismus).
Either way, it’s not your fault, and you are not broken.
Why Does It Happen?
There isn’t a single cause of vaginismus, and every woman’s experience is unique. But here are a few common reasons why it might happen:
- Your body has learned to protect itself – If you’ve had painful experiences with sex, tampons, or medical exams in the past, your body may have developed a defence mechanism, automatically tensing up in response to penetration. It’s a survival response—your muscles are just trying to keep you safe, even if there’s no actual danger.
- Anxiety, stress, or pressure – Even if you want to have sex, nerves, past trauma, or just a fear of pain can cause your pelvic floor to tighten. Maybe you’ve been told sex is supposed to hurt at first, or maybe you feel pressure to “get it right.” All of this can contribute to vaginismus.
- Hormonal changes – Menopause, postpartum recovery, and even hormonal contraceptives can lead to vaginal dryness, which can make penetration uncomfortable and trigger muscle tension.
- Past trauma – Vaginismus can sometimes be linked to past sexual trauma, distressing gynaecological exams, or even difficult childbirth experiences. The body remembers, and it can hold onto tension long after the event has passed.
- Lack of awareness – Many women don’t know much about their pelvic floor beyond “do Kegels” (which, by the way, aren’t always helpful). Society has also made vulvas an ugly, dirty part of the female body, meaning we ignore it or don’t associate with it so we don’t know how to relax or enjoy it meaning our vulva might be holding onto tension without you even realising.
How Does It Feel?
Some women with vaginismus describe feeling like they’re “hitting a wall” during penetration. Others experience a burning or stinging sensation. Some only realise they have vaginismus when they attempt sex for the first time and it feels unexpectedly painful.
It’s not just about the physical pain, either. Vaginismus can affect confidence, intimacy, and mental health. When sex is painful, it’s natural to feel frustrated, anxious, or even avoid intimacy altogether. The longer it goes on, the harder it can feel to talk about. But avoiding it doesn’t make it go away—it just makes you feel more alone.
And I want you to know: you are not alone.
What Can You Do About It?
The best approach to overcoming vaginismus is a combination of body and mind work. Here’s what can help:
1. Learn to Release Tension
Your pelvic floor is made of muscles—and just like a tight neck or clenched jaw, it can hold onto tension without you even realising. If you’re dealing with vaginismus, the goal isn’t to strengthen these muscles (so you can put the Kegels on pause for now!)—it’s to teach them to relax.
When your pelvic floor is tense and overactive, it can react by tightening involuntarily, making penetration painful or impossible. But the good news? You can retrain it to let go.
How to Encourage Relaxation:
- Gentle Stretching – Certain yoga-inspired stretches help lengthen and release the pelvic floor over time. Try:
– Butterfly Stretch – Opens up the hips and gently stretches the inner thighs.
– Child’s Pose – Encourages deep breathing and full-body relaxation.
– Happy Baby Pose – Helps release tension in the lower back and pelvic floor. - Breathwork is Key – Slow, deep breathing sends signals of safety to your nervous system. Try inhaling low into your belly (not your chest) and imagining your pelvic floor softening as you exhale.
- Pelvic Floor Awareness – A pelvic health physiotherapist can guide you through hands-on techniques and gentle exercises to help you reconnect with your body. Sometimes, simply learning how to feel and relax these muscles is the first step to real change.
- Letting go is just as important as building strength. Give yourself permission to release, breathe, and move at your own pace
2. Breathe & Relax
Did you know your pelvic floor responds to your breath? When you’re feeling anxious, your breathing tends to become shallow and tight, which can lead to tension in your muscles—including your pelvic floor. Over time, this can contribute to discomfort, pain, and that frustrating tight, clenched feeling that makes penetration difficult.
But here’s the good news: you can use your breath to signal safety to your body and encourage your pelvic floor to relax. Try this simple but powerful breathing exercise:
Relaxation Breathwork for Your Pelvic Floor
- Find a comfy spot – Lie down with your knees bent and gently open, allowing your body to fully relax.
- Hands-on connection – Place one hand on your chest and one on your belly to help you feel your breath.
- Breathe in deeply – Inhale through your nose for four counts, feeling your belly gently rise (your chest should stay still).
- Slow, soft exhale – Breathe out slowly for seven or eight counts, imagining everything melting and softening—including your pelvic floor.
- Visualise the release – As you exhale, picture your pelvic floor relaxing, unclenching, and gently letting go.
Try this for a few minutes each day—before bed, in the morning, or whenever you feel tense. Over time, this practice helps train your pelvic floor to respond to relaxation, not just tension.
Your breath is one of the most powerful tools for calming your nervous system and teaching your body to feel safe again.
3. Gradual Desensitisation (At Your Own Pace)
If penetration feels impossible right now, the thought of using vaginal dilators might feel terrifying—and that’s completely understandable. But don’t worry, you’re in control every step of the way. Dilators aren’t about forcing anything; they’re a gentle, gradual way to help your body relearn that penetration doesn’t have to mean pain.
The key? Patience, consistency, and listening to your body. There’s no rush, no pressure—this is about you taking back control in a way that feels safe and empowering.
Here’s how to start:
- Get Comfortable – Find a calm, private space where you feel relaxed. Some women like to start in bed, using pillows for support, and even incorporating breathing techniques or mindfulness to ease tension.
- Start Small – Vaginal dilators come in different sizes, so begin with the smallest and only move up when you feel ready. Some women start with just holding the dilator at the vaginal entrance before even thinking about inserting it.
- Take Your Time – There’s no right speed—whether it takes days, weeks, or months to move to the next step, that’s completely okay. The goal is progress, not perfection.
- Relaxation is Key – Tension makes penetration more difficult, so focus on relaxation first. Deep breathing, warm baths, gentle pelvic floor releases, and even self-massage around the vulva and perineum can all help.
- Get Support if You Need It – A pelvic health physiotherapist can guide you through this process with personalised advice to make it feel safe, not overwhelming. They’ll help you understand what’s happening in your body and give you practical tools to work through it—without fear or frustration.
Remember, you’re in charge. This isn’t about pushing through pain—it’s about retraining your body and brain to feel safe, in control, and confident again.
4. Seek Support
Painful sex isn’t just a physical issue—it can have a huge emotional impact, affecting your confidence, self-esteem, relationships, and how you feel about intimacy. If vaginismus is making you feel isolated or frustrated, know that you don’t have to navigate this alone.
Talking to a counsellor or psychologist can help you work through any emotional barriers in a safe, supportive space, whether that’s anxiety around penetration, past trauma, or simply feeling disconnected from your body. Understanding the mind-body connection is a big part of overcoming vaginismus, and having someone to talk to can make a real difference.
If you’re looking for professional support in the UK, here are some places to start:
- The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) – Find a registered counsellor near you: www.bacp.co.uk
- The College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (COSRT) – Specialising in sex and relationship therapy: www.cosrt.org.uk
- Mind – Offering mental health support and directories to find help: www.mind.org.uk
- NHS Talking Therapies – Free counselling and CBT support available in your area: www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health
- Local Women’s Health Clinics – Many women’s health physios work closely with counsellors and can signpost you to someone who specialises in pelvic health.
Reaching out for help isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a step toward feeling more connected, empowered, and in control of your body and intimacy again.
You Deserve Pain-Free Pleasure
If sex is painful, please hear this: you are not alone, and you are not broken. Your body is simply responding the way it has learned to. But just as it learned to protect itself, it can also learn to feel safe again.
There is help, there is hope, and you do not have to live with painful sex.
If this resonates with you, or if you know someone who needs to hear it, please share. And if you’d like more conversations like this, subscribe to my Substack for more deep dives into women’s health, body confidence, and all the things we should be talking about.
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